Femme, F**k You!: I Serve You Beer, You Don’t “Know” Me!
For those of you who don’t know, alongside writing and editing my own blog, I work in a bar in the centre of a major British city. Now, don’t take this article to mean that I don’t enjoy my job – I most definitely do. I love meeting new people every day, I love how every day is different, and I love the people I work with. But I need to take this time to tell you rant to you about what I cannot stand in my everyday life when it comes to where I work:
Men.
Of course, I don’t loathe every single male who walks through the door, but around 40% of the men I serve on a daily basis are inappropriate in the way they speak to me or act around me. In fact, it’s not just the men I serve.
For instance, my boss allows her staff to take 5 minute breaks every 2 hours if they so wish. Usually, I take this time to stand outside the front of the premises for a little fresh air. And let me tell you, I don’t think there has been one shift in which a male passer-by hasn’t taken it upon themselves to cat-call me. Nope, it’s not that my work uniform is “sexy” and “attracts” men, which is a ridiculous excuse anyway. (My uniform consists of a polo shirt, comfortable pants – not ass-hugging jeans – and Doc Martens. Oh, and don’t forget the burgundy apron. I know, sexy right?)
The point is, I can’t stand outside for five minutes without a stranger “greeting” me inappropriately or asking me “where they can find me tonight”. And to those men who say women like this: a) in general, they really don’t, and b) I AM A LESBIAN AND I AM NOT LOOKING FOR YOUR ATTENTION.
This brings me to the main part of my rant. I’d like to describe the actions of three regular customers to you. These three customers in particular are annoying, disgusting, and downright creepy.
Male #1: Tall, Moustache, Aged 50ish.
Here’s the thing about this guy: at first, I didn’t dislike him at all. That was until last week. When I first met #1, he seemed fine. I was friendly to him as a customer, which is part of my job. He asked me which football team I supported, which is fair enough – it was just a bit of friendly conversation. However, the next time I met him, he decided it was appropriate to buy me flowers.
Now I’m not just talking one bunch of peonies. This guy bought me 12 BUNCHES OF FLOWERS. I thought he was just having a bit of a joke at first, until my manager asked if he knew I liked the ladies. Of course, he didn’t, but why did this guy think he had a chance with me anyway?! Even if I was straight, he’s probably older than my dad! “Age is just a number”, they say. Well actually, ‘they’ is usually just a bunch of pervy old white men who want to stick it in anything half their age. So please don’t tell me that giving someone flowers isn’t pervy or weird. Because it is. I don’t know this guy, and I’ve met him three times TOPS. Not okay.
(Side note: This guy is constantly telling me to smile, at which point, I’d like to direct him to this tweet).
Male #2: Average height, Bit of a loner, Aged around 60 years old.
Similarly to the first guy, I didn’t dislike #2 either… Until a colleague told me he’d said he didn’t need her anymore, because ‘I’ve got Lauren now’… Excuse me, what?
The tip of iceberg for me, though, was one week in which I was particularly sick. I had strep throat but decided to go into work anyway. Of course, #2 arrived as he does every day and noticed this. A couple of days later when I’d recovered, it was a particularly busy day when #2 came to the bar. Because I was extremely busy and, well, because he’s creepy as balls, I had little time to talk to him. Before I know it, he’s approaching me to tell me “you’re not being yourself” and asking “have you fully recovered?” Once again, why do these men think they know me?!
Pretty much all he does know about me is which football team I support! He doesn’t even know my last name, never mind that I’m a lesbian. So how does he know ‘I’m not being myself?’ All I know is that this guy clearly fantasizes about me when he goes home alone. And why is this creepy? HE’S FUCKING 60 YEARS OLD.
Male #3: Average height, Drools Slightly, Aged 48-55.
Male #3 is the guy who takes the award for ‘Creepiest Guy On This List’. He’s absolutely vile. I spoke to him once (IT’S PART OF MY FREAKIN’ JOB TO BE FRIENDLY!) and suddenly he follows me outside, KISSES ME ON THE HEAD* and asks me out on a date.
This guy, unlike the previously mentioned, knows I’m a lesbian. As soon as he asked me out, I couldn’t help but tell him I only date women. Of course, it was creepy enough that a 50-something decided it was okay to ask a 22-year old girl (who is completely out of his league, by the way) out on a date, but I thought it was necessary to tell him.
Did this stop him? Nope. Here’s how our next conversation went.
Male #3: So how is your partner?
Me: I don’t have one. Where did you get this information?
Male #3: So how about some contact between you and me then?
Me: What?
Male #3: Go on, give me your number.
Me: Not a chance.
Male #3: Go on. Go on. Go on… GO ON. Give me your number.
(Note: This continued for around 6 minutes with me continually saying ‘no’, but him not taking no as an acceptable answer. Another time, he gave me a story about how his niece “used to be a lesbian” but now she’s not. Good for her, I guess?)
Male #3, then, is officially the creepiest of creepers. He doesn’t even have the excuse of ‘you don’t look like a lesbian, you’re too girly and you have long hair’. He knows I’m gay and he knows I’m more than half his age and he knows I am way, waaaaaaay out of his league. (And this isn’t me being big-headed; if you saw this guy, you’d agree that pretty much any female with all of her limbs attached is out of his league). And yet he persists.
In short, these guys are fucking disgusting. And I have to put up with them almost every day. From their eyes constantly following me around the room, to constantly telling me to f*cking smile, I have to put up with this shit constantly.
And what do I say to that?: I am a femme lesbian and F**K YOUR WORKPLACE SEXUAL HARRASSMENT!
*I capitalised this, because I found that it definitely crossed the sexual harassment line.